CONFESSIONS OF A MOMMY WANNABE

I promise no drama.

My desire to be a mother is rooted from my innate enthrallment with kids. I loved being a kid. I enjoy being around kids. I married a kid. Yes, a tad bit younger than I am but I was really referring to his childlike qualities. (Giggles!)

Being a child is simply magical. I so envy them. Their limited minds are their shield from the realities of what being an adult is all about. An apple is really just an apple to them. But lacking as they are, they still see countless possibilities because they are free from expectations. A dinosaur can sing and could be purple and friendly – and they would believe that unconditionally.

That is the very reason why I shifted into preschool teaching and it was the best decision I have ever made in my career.

Again, all because of my immense delight with children.

So I guess it is needless to say that I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember and I thought it would happen to me naturally. When we were still young, my brother and sisters even predicted that I would end up with so many children, at least more than I can handle. - and I am sure they weren’t thinking of me being a preschool teacher back then. But fast forward to now…my eldest sister has 2 sons and my youngest sister has 2 daughters and almost all of my married girl friends have their own kids now. It just happened to them naturally. (And my sisters? They do not even love kids! Not at all!)

I therefore conclude that innate mother instincts do not guarantee you will have children.

But how come I feel like I am destined to be a mother?

Inside me there is a thriving feeling that more than being a daughter, sister, friend and wife…being a mother is the best role I can ever play.

Okay, no drama.

I am way passed being sad over this “when are you going to have a baby” thing. After almost 5 years of being married, it doesn’t really affect me anymore. I have long accepted the fact that this is beyond our control.

But yes, I still want to be a mother. I want my own baby – twins if possible (1 boy and 1 girl). I want the whole nine months thing and the pain of giving birth. I want a birthday party that I celebrated in my mind over and over. I want to sing Mr. Sun to my baby and be able to do with him/her what I do with my students and nephews and nieces.

I WANT TO BE A MOTHER to my own child. The rest is up to God.

The truth is, I am happily married to a man who thinks that I can be enough to him, that we can grow old together just the two of us and it would be okay. For that alone, I am tremendously grateful. I would choose what I have now than to have kids in a troubled marriage.

Maybe I am just not seeing the bigger picture. God has His reasons why and I dare not question his will.